Well goodness.. Me, oh my.. It has been over 7 months since my last post. Well I am hoping to fix that folks!
I apologize for my leave of absence and lack of work, life has been chaos. First off, my life path lead me towards moving home and taking a semester off of school instead of moving and transferring to Chico. Due to financial issues, mental health and family, moving home was where I needed to be. Secondly, I have been working two jobs since I have been home. I went back to my job here in Folsom at Charlotte Russe and I began babysitting. Over the summer I was watching my little cousins three mornings every other week, and now I am watching two little girls from my church family two mornings every week. So work has most definitely kept me busy! Thirdly, like I mentioned, I have been struggling with mental health problems: severe anxiety and mild depression. In this blog post, I decided I will start off by updating you on what has been going on. I will then end it with a small little request for all of my wonderful, amazing and supportive readers! Much love to everyone who reads my posts, you guys are my life!
Since I have been home, things have most definitely changed. As most of you all know (if not, read my blog post called “My Major Life Struggle”), my mom was diagnosed with ALS Lou Gherig’s Disease in January 2015. Since then, she has lost her ability to mobilize both legs, her left arm and most of her core strength is gone. She now struggles to keep her own head held up, swallow and chew most foods, her speech has slowed down drastically and it is hard for her to catch her breath at times. This last Friday, November 4th, she had a feeding tube inserted because she was not taking in enough food and was losing too much weight. Her first few days were rough, in and out of the ER, but the past few days have been so much better! She is bright and happy again! Staying home to care for and spend time with my mom was the best decision I could ever make. I don’t know why I ever thought moving two hours away from home was going to be any better.
Anxiety. Depression. Mental Health. Real Problems.
That’s what I have learned over the past year or so. Most people call people over-dramatic, or say it’s all in your head, but it is a real problem. And it is hard to deal with because many people do not understand what anxiety is or what it feels like. According to WebMD, anxiety disorder is when “worry and fear are constant and overwhelming, and can be disabling”. That is true. Anxiety has caused me to think the worst outcome out of many things and made me say and do things I would usually not. It has caused me to treat people with disrespect, when I know better, I was raised and taught to be respectful in all cases. Anxiety has caused me to feel a numbness and depression that I have never felt before, my lowest of lows. I say I have anxiety over depression, because I believe that my anxiety is the source to my “depression”. Without feeling anxious, I feel high and happy and in the right place and feel myself. If depression was the main source, without anxiety, I would still feel low and sad and not feel myself. I know it is hard to understand for those of you who do not suffer from anxiety, and I know anxiety isn’t always an excuse for me, but all I ask is that anyone who has seen my anxious moments or will see in the future, stay patient, stay calm, and leave me be until I approach you. I ask you not to come to me and say “it’s okay” or “there’s no need to be upset” or “why are you so mad over this? that’s so stupid”. Guess what? I already know all of that. But my mind and my body choose to think otherwise in these moments, and IT SUCKS. I am seeing a therapist every other week, and I can tell you it most definitely helps. It doesn’t take it away, but it helps. It gives me ways and ideas on how to calm myself and control what I think. It also helps me to piece out what triggers my anxiety so that I can be aware of and avoid those situations.
Alright and last but not least… Why am I not in school? Well.. Let me tell you! First off, I failed my last semester at Humboldt State due to my mental health issues. I was waking up, unmotivated, tired, depressed and just not wanting to move. Which is the complete opposite of how I felt about my classes! I loved all my classes and had pretty good professors, so why was I feeling this way? So I ended my semester with one withdrawal and the rest of my classes were either C, D or F! Yes.. Awful, I know. So I came home from the semester crying to my parents about how disappointed I was in myself and how I also was struggling financially. I didn’t have the money to put a payment down on a new apartment, and last year when that happened my roommate and I were homeless the first ten days of school! I was also extremely homesick due to my mom being ill and me not being there to help, but I also did not want to move back home. So I thought about moving to Chico and going to school there. It was only about an hour and a half away from home, and I have family who lives there, plus I loved the area. My dad kept telling me though that he thinks I would do better moving back home because up there I would have to find a job and take out more student loans and I would still be stressed with money. So after much research, thought and arguing, I decided it would be best to move back home. I will tell you, to this day I am still so blessed my dad talked me into, I have never been so happy to be home with my mom and my family.
So there you have it, an update on the life of Annie. Yes, chaos, much much chaos going on. But I am keeping it together and living life day by day.
My ultimate goal while I am pacing myself back into school again in the spring is to try and blog once every week to two weeks. I love writing, I love researching, and most of all I love your guys’ support. Thank you to all my friends, family and fellow readers, you guys are my true push to happiness!
I am officially taking any suggestions to what I should blog about! I will eventually run out of ideas!